Tralfamadorians

I am 29 years old. I am sitting in an entire apartment occupied by me. I am definately feeling my 22 year old self. I realize more and more each day how small, short, and simple this* is. And yet I feel compelled to produce. I dedicate my life to it. And I keep wondering 'is this right? what if i'm totally fucking up right now?' but that voice never really knows what it's talking about, so it's credibility is iffy. And if i'm not making the most evolved choices, it simply means i'm not evolved enough to make better. Which means I need to learn more so I can grow. Which means I need to make mistakes.
*this species, this planet, this window of time


Lament nothing lost
for there is no such thing
(as loss)

loneliness is yet another human experience that isn't based on reality. Because part of me is connected to all life, all love, and every creature that gave birth since the first splitting of cells. And another part of me knows that regardless of emotions, I will live until I die. And all that will be left in the end is whatever beauty I managed to conjur, and whatever impression I managed to leave. So I intend to make it better as much as possible, otherwise what's the point? if you're not making it better, then what are you doing? While the pretty girls are busy breeding, I intend to help make the world more beautiful. Or rather, to inspire humans to be a part of the beauty on this planet. To motivate to move away from being just pests, sores, and termites. We have the brains to inhabit, or co-inhabit, intelligently and harmlessly on this planet. We just lack the foresight. Our perception of time must expand and stretch longer than our short lifetimes and our limited capacities to learn will allow

it brings me back again to the Tralfamadorians as Kurt Vonnegut described in Slaughterhouse Five. We can only see a tiny pinpoint of the landscape, whereas the Tralfamadorians can see the entire beautiful and vast expanse.

"I am a Tralfamadorian, seeing all time as you might see a stretch of the Rocky Mountains. All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is."

which helps me to realize how unimportant my blotchy skin and crooked teeth are. My frizzy hair and thick legs. They're just another element of this temporary human experience. and to seek those that would be deterred by these causal details is counterproductive, as we are unaligned in our intentions, goals and purposes. Which would either result in conflict, despair, or destruction.

And I so very deeply need to be held, like a little girl by her daddy. I never got that. My dad was distant, my grampa was cold, my step-dad was gruff. Everyone kept their distance. No one really knew what to do with me. And those walls kept growing...

but as ancient cities were protected by their stone fortitude, perhaps mine can serve as somewhat of an 'Iron Man' suit to aid in my mission to express, encourage, and manifest our shared experience into growth and wonder for the future.


I wonder how many thousands or millions of years it's taken to strip our DNA down to what it is. And why are we striving for mediocrity? We strive for moderate political views, a strong and large middle class, and mass media. If we look at this, it seems as though being disagreed with is what must be avoided above all else. When extremes are avoided above all, and a narrow and banal approach is taken, people are forced to make extremes out of what they've got to work with. Thus: Reality TV. Are we turning ourselves into these shallow, dramatic, narcissistic people that we love so much to watch?